The world according to me

Life really sucks sometimes...

So, I was pregnant once. By once I mean up until about 2 weeks ago. I miscarried at 8 weeks. Yeah, thank you for the sympathy. Seriously I really appreciate all our friends and family that have been so supportive during this time. I’ve been mulling this over for a while and here’s what I have to say about the situation (at least what I can type without crying)….

First off, losing a pregnancy is really, really fucking sad. I mean SAD. I’ve dealt with “depression” most of my adult life. I have had all my Grandparents and a few acquaintances past away. I’ve been ignored, rejected, in fear for my life, and through all the pains and trials that comes with living life. And I’ve never felt like this!!! It’s not like I’m sitting around crying all day. Although I do tear up at almost all “heart string tugging” TV ads these days. It’s like this bubble of heaviness. It surrounds me and every now and again I’m aware I’m floating in it. I took a few weeks off of work, tried to “take it easy” let my body go through what it needed to. Again, thank you so much to all our loved ones who brought us food, cleaned our house, said a prayer…It has helped during this time. I do understand that this is a grieving period, and will not last forever. I’m just amazed by the sadness. Does that make sense? I never knew I could be this sad.

I think what’s been the hardest for me is two things really.

One is that losing the baby was completely out of my control. There was no way I could have stopped the miscarriage. I wouldn’t call myself a “control freak” (some of my friends might), it’s the frustration of the unknown. Not knowing why it happened is so hard. But then again when has “Life” ever given any of us “all the answers”.

Secondly what I’m finding most surreal about all this is that the baby is just gone. Just like that everything that came with having a child is stopped. Planning a nursery theme, daydreaming what the next 8 months would bring. Planning for the delivery, for being a parent, it’s all put on hold. When someone who’s lives some years on earth dies, there are tangible memories to hold on to. When you lose an unborn child, all you’re left with are daydreams and wishes. There are material things; books on pregnancy and “the first years”, gifts from well-wishing friends, cute little outfits bought in joy and excitement. All those things now are tucked away in a spare drawer, until next time.

Well, there’s my process on all this… What I’ve come to so far anyway. We are going to “try again”. My husband and I so do want to be parents. And we believe that it will happen for us. What is that saying “Life is what happens to you when…” fill in your own blank. It’s late, I can’t type anymore.

posted by Kimster @ 1:36 AM